One thing I know for certain is that people who never thought you could “kick the habit” can be your greatest motivator or your worst enemy. In my case, I think it is one of my greatest motivators. I have one person in particular that really loved me as his muse. I think this is particularly true because the more I stayed the same the more he never had to worry about me ever asking him to change, or questioning if he partied too much, drank too much, or should drive us home. What is really sad is that even as I did begin to slowly sober up I never pushed my ideas on him, but I did want him to help support me. He never really did. He never wanted to talk about what I was going through, he never wanted to discuss my withdrawal systems, my over the top drug use – even though he had been there for most of it; how could he really not have not known? Did he not see me popping the 80 to 100 pills a day? The doctor bills coming in? The insurance bills? He had to know – there is no way he could not know. I would take pills at that time to wake up, get through the day, to not eat, to stay awake, to party, to sleep, to come down, to crash, and this is how I existed for years – on top of all the pain medication. I had numerous car wreaks – none thank goodness were actually my fault but this only allowed me to get my hands on more meds and caused me to have more injuries to where in my mind I thought I needed more medication.
Throw this in with dating someone unhealthy for years and years – doing coke, 3 or 4 nights a week for years and rolling for years and wham no wonder I am the way I am! But that is not all, I use to smoke weed to come down from the blow, chug any kind of alcohol to come down, and usually load up on pain meds and Ambien to sleep a few hours before work. Therefore, how can this person claim they did not know I had a pill problem? And does it really matter because we both clearly had a problem? We were both drug abusers!! Plus no matter what I will always think he knew about my addiction. For example, he once found me passed out half undressed in my bathroom with the sink water running, I was in the middle of washing my face, but passed out during the face washing and luckily my pants belt loop got hung on one of the drawers, so I did not bust my face on the floor, but there I hung sort of upside down suspended in the air on my tip toes completely passed out. I had no idea until he showed me the pictures the next day. Yes, he took pictures. He went outside to his car for the digital camera and left me there hanging so he could take pictures…and guess what was beside me in the photos – my pill bottles. I guess DENIAL is a powerful thing.
Then, I think about all the times we both ate our “X” like Skittles or even turned our shrooms into brownies, tea, or into candy bars….my point in writing this is because this person still wants me to be the person in this note – and that person left 4 years ago. I have back slide a few times – not anywhere close to what I have written in this note and I never stopped drinking completely but I hope and pray that I have left the person in this note way behind. For if she ever resurfaced my life would end – I know it – I was so close to the end before and at those times I have been tempted by the “white lady” or “the love drug” or whatever drug; I think about the next day and the next day and for me I know I have to say no.
As much as it pisses me off that this person tries to get me to use it also motivates me to go forward. Why just tonight, he called and tried to get me to go out. My reply was no, you have problems with drugs and alcohol and I do not need to be around them – he immediately got all mad and said, “well you have an issue with pills”. And I said, wow, you just cannot stand the fact I am leaving my demons can you? He hung up.